A man was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the man, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the man. 'How about nuclear power?'

'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The man thought about it and said, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the girl replied, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?
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Non mollare mai.

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject".

An 85-year-old man was asked by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked!

"You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep.

None of us could get the jar open".
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Non mollare mai.

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject".

HUSBANDS FOR SALE.

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE ! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch.You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find one. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, lovekids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, lovekids, are drop- deadgood looking and help with the housework."Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, lovekids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor.There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
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Non mollare mai.

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject".

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last 7 days the famous Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up & the Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song,

Today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived & 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal...
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Non mollare mai.

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject".

This has probably done the rounds, but i found it funny:


Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he couldarrange a divorce for him.
>
> The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the
> circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
>
> Have you any grounds?
> Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
>
> No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
> It made of concrete.
> I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
> No, we have a carport, and not need one.
>
> I mean, what are your relations like?
> All my relations still in Poland.
>
> Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
> We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
>
> Does your wife beat you up?
> No, I always up before her.
>
> Is your wife a nagger?
> No, she white.
>
> Why do you want this divorce?
> She is going to kill me.
>
> What makes you think that?
> I got proof.
>
> What kind of proof?
> She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle at drugstore and put
> on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says: "Polish Remover"
>
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Kuwabara, kuwabara

THIS OUGHT TO DO IT!!

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new  500-man elite fighting unit called the  United  States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).

These  Georgia boys will be dropped off into Iraq and  have been given only the following facts about terrorists:  

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.  
3. They taste just like  chicken.  
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.  
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.


The Pentagon expects the  problem in Iraq to be over by  Friday.
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Non mollare mai.

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject".

British Airways are flying in their Chinese Aircraft Accident Investigator to the site of the Heathrow incident.

Mr Wat Wen Fu King Wong arrives tomorrow.
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Non mollare mai.

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject".

Passengers on a flight were being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told everyone that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."
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Non mollare mai.

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject".

LIVERPOOL fans have launched a bid buy their beloved football club,  backed by millions of pounds from the Department of Social Security.

The supporters have put together a complex financial structure made up  of 25% genuine welfare payments alongside a mixture of fraudulent  incapacity and unemployment claims.

Supporters spokesman Wayne Hayes said: "Between us we reckon we can raise about £500 million, especially as it's been such a cold winter. The number of folk who've come down with a sudden case of rheumatoid arthritis is shocking.

"The DSS provides us with a secure source of funds and if anyone starts asking questions we've got 45,000 sick notes sitting in a warehouse in Bootle."

"This is a major step forward for the club and the city. We did
originally plan to steal it but we couldn't find anywhere to keep the main stand  as most of the garages round here are full of mountain bikes."

He added: "As far as you're concerned, I haven't worked in 12 years, alright?"

Under the plan the club would be run by an executive committee, elected by the supporters and given the right to swipe a range of quality goods  from the office, the boardroom and the club shop.

The first team squad will also have to sign new contracts requiring
them to go to supporters' pubs every Saturday night and be told why they will  never be as good as Emlyn Hughes and Jimmy Case.

Driving to  work  this morning on the  A40, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!
It scared me (and this coming from a bloke....) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.

Bloody Women Drivers!!!!!!!

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend this morning who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
 
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'. 'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.
 
'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.

'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle  tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, grey-haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'

So I told her to f**k off.
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Non mollare mai.

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject".

One morning, three Scousers and three Mancunians were in a ticket counter line at a train station. The three Mancunians each bought a ticket and watched as the three Scousers bought just one ticket.

'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asked one of the Mancunians.

Watch and learn,' answered one of the Scousers.

All six boarded the train where the three Mancunians sat down, but the three Scousers crammed into a toilet together and closed the door. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, 'Ticket, please.' The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

The Mancunians saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the three Scousers didn't buy even one ticket.

How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asked a perplexed Mancunian.

'Watch and learn,' answered the three Scouse boys in unison.

When they boarded the train, the three Mancunians crammed themselves into a toilet and the three Scousers crammed into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Scousers left their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Mancunians were hiding.

The Scouser knocked on the door and said, 'Ticket, please.'
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Non mollare mai.

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject".

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink.  Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.  With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.  

Swoooosh!  Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!'
 
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip!  Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.  

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out.  The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.  

As the father moans in grief, the bartender sighs and says,





'He should've quit while he was a head!'
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Non mollare mai.

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject".

Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict..

She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Miss Walter's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Miss Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Miss Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation, said, 'Land Mines.'
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Non mollare mai.

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject".

12 of the finest double-entendres that have been aired on British TV & Radio

1. Pat Glenn, weight lifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said?'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they werelaughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
'StephenHendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
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Non mollare mai.

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject".

My wife and I went to the Livestock Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,'
'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR.'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'That's more than twice a week!  You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'.

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'


My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery .
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Non mollare mai.

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject".

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic
School .. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was
sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her
friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in
the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny
came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once
again said,'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to
Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick
that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Bruce sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

'Kin ya swaller?' asked Kenzie. The woman signalled 'No!' desperately shaking her head.

'Kin ya breathe?' asked Bruce. The woman shook her head 'No!!!'
With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down her bum. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer. Bruce said in admiration, 'Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen anybody do it!'
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Non mollare mai.

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject".

If Airlines sold paint…


Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different
prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.


Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?


Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks.
But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that
week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be ******* kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only
a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way,
the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12
paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a
day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your
paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your
paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have
enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use
it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you
already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall
and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the
bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already
paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used,
every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I
don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200
paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a litre"
signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-
gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels,
some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you
started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one
direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on
your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with Ryan Air.

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and
couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want to go ahead with it
just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her
go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and
threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned
and went straight to the front door.

I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.