A man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner. He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams 'PIG!'
Astonished, the man turns and yells back, 'BITCH!' as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig.
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AC Milan

7 times Champions of Europe

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
"Tiny" replies the man.
"Why's that?" asks the bartender.
"Because he's my newt!"
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Two fisherman are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. "What's this?" asked the first fisherman, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"
"No," explained the second fisherman, "It's just a little wave."
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Q: What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
A: Hot cross bunnies.
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Did you hear about the stupid tap dancer?
He fell in the sink!
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AC Milan

7 times Champions of Europe

A lad walks in to his parents bedroom to find his dad giving his mum one. The dad laughs throws a pillow at the lad and tells him to get out.

Hours later the dad hears a commotion coming from the lads bedroom. He enters the bedroom to find the lad giving his nan one.

The dad looks horrified.

'Not so funny when its your mum is it?' says the lad.
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AC Milan

7 times Champions of Europe

Not sure if this came up on the other forum, but "Scherzi a Parte" is basically a You've Been Framed style show involuntarily starring Italian celebrities, including many of Serie A's biggest names, eg. Gattuso (getting his car torn up by a rottweiler), Materazzi (have a coma patient wake up on him and ask about the scudetto), Vieri (being tricked to look through a peephole)...

Worth checking out if you've got the time, and not too hard to follow without knowing the language.

Buffon:
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=aUk8tRPVPa0

Totti:
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=mx1wk9LlBoA

Gattuso:
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=nU5U69BLmr0

Materazzi:
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=6iTOVDrt3sk

Vieri:
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=CyIHLBuxbhY

Coco:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gX93_kIsl_c

Ravanelli:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQwxuuwj2Mg

Maradona:
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Vla16_hDF0E

Cannavaro:
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=ayhgwN_MxyI

If you search for "Scherzi a Parte" on there loads more come up. Coco's has probably been the highlight of the ones I've watched.

Council tax re-evaluers want to charge us more if we live in a nice area. That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.

We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs. Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.

Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for allegedly ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs.

The family's odd antics are always in the papers. They are out of control. ..........

Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle?
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Non mollare mai.

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject".

Jose Mourinho says he wishes to return to Portugal and never be seen again. The McCanns have offered their services.

il ferret wrote:

Jose Mourinho says he wishes to return to Portugal and never be seen again. The McCanns have offered their services.

Hahahahaha
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AC Milan

7 times Champions of Europe

I assume you'll have heard already about the new French car that has so much interior space in the back you can lose the kids in it? The Renault McCann?

(coat, hat, taxi!)

Has anyone been watching the bird's world cup? It's bloody hilarious!

Q - what's the difference between a chicken?

A - one of its legs is both the same
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http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/i...9797592&albumID=0&imageID=2042498

In the same vein -

Q: How many surrealists can you fit in a wardrobe?

A: The motorbike

Q - what should you get a ghost for Christmas?

A - anything but mints. Ghosts hate mints, chocolate or socks are a safe bet
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http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/i...9797592&albumID=0&imageID=2042498

A man walks into a bar with a lion. A lady at the bar screams and runs into the toilet, along with several other customers. Trembling, the bartender asks the man what he is doing with a lion in the bar but the man just orders a beer and sits down. The lion growls but stays clam. The man is finishing his beer when the police arrive. The man explains he thought it would be funny to bring the lion into the bar. He is taken away. So is the lion.
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http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/i...9797592&albumID=0&imageID=2042498

Osama Bin Laden has just sent a new TV message to prove he is still alive. He said "The Welsh rugby team were awful this week"

British intelligence have dismissed it saying "it could have been recorded anytime during the last 22 years "

The Blonde Painter



This blonde, Christina decides one day that she
is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and
how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she
decides to show her boyfriend Steve that blondes
really are smart.

While Steve is off at work, she decides that she
is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after Steve leaves for work,
she gets down to the task at hand.



Her boyfriend arrives home at 5:30 and smells the
distinctive smell of paint.



He walks into the living room and finds his
girlfriend lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and
a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK.

She replies yes. He asks what she is doing She
replies that she wanted to prove to him that not
all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it
by painting the house. He then asks her why she
has a ski jacket over her fur coat. Christina
replies that she was reading the directions on
the paint can and they said....


FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS. ……..

Here's a funny one, courtesy of Lucarelli:

"I’m 32 and the Rossoneri like to go for younger players..."


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L'uomo tigre

A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

When John found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died,
he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman
he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man" he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two,
my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much smarter than men.........

God loves Blondes

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust
and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to
ask God for help.

She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and
if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let
me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my
business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost
my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.

I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to
You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life
back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The
blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself.....

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this...................GO and BUY a
ticket."

A woman was in Truro on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in Du Barry and a beautiful dress on sale in Monsoon. She got to Country Casuals to find that it was closing down and everything had just been reduced to a fiver, when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading off to the hospital. She ended up shopping for the rest of the morning . Finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice, complimentary from the last shop, she was shopped out, full of sugar and feeling pretty good. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty now , she dashed to the hospital , saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted: ''You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you? Well I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out enjoying yourself for the past four hours in town, your husband has been languishing in the ICU - it's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be probably be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care ........... and you'll now be his carer!''

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg .... he's dead. What did you buy?''
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Non mollare mai.

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject".