Subject: From Your PM at No.10


10 Downing Street

London SW1

Dear people of the United Kingdom

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement.. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much S H I T (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself in the amount of S H I T it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough S H I T, please bring this to the attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the S H I T you can handle.

Sincerely,

Gordon Brown

Now that Setanta Sports is on the brink of collapse, i though the attached clip might be a fitting tribute:-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TOh3WlXJg0
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For sale: Set of second-hand Dachshund stabilizers, a child's Paul Simon costume, a set of windmill Top Trumps, £45 in used fivers, a 'Diana Convoy' Scalextric set and a set of nested bunk beds that sleeps eighteen progressively smaller people.

The Wedding Test

I was a very happy man.  My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me ... It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.


Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Not a joke but a funny story from the Guardian.

http://tinyurl.com/lecpg2

Does anyone get the feeling they named oranges before they named carrots?

"Whats this?"

"Well, it's orange. It's an orange."

"Well what about this?"

"... shit."

You got sickipedia bookmarked Kaka22?

John and Helen met while on vacation, and John  fell head over heels in love with her. After a couple of weeks in which John took Helen out to various  dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc he was convinced that  it was true love.

And so....on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue. "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," John said to his new found lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's going to be a problem, you'd better say so now!"

Helen took a deep breath and responded:  "Since we're being honest with each other, here  goes.... You need to know that I'm a hooker."

"I  see," John replied. "That's a problem, for sure."

He spent some time looking down at the table, deep in thought. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your  wrists straight when you tee  off."
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My Jamaican missus trying to describe Amy Winehouse the other day: "What's the name of that coke head woman who went to St Lucia?"

TRUE STORY (allegedly):

Outside Bristol Zoo there is a car park for 150 cars and 8 coaches.  

There also used to be a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5.

This parking attendant worked there for all of  25 years , then one day just didn't turn up for work...

"Ho hum",  said  Bristol Zoo Management - "better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant".  

"Er, no", said the Council, "that car park is your responsibility".

"Er, no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"  

"Er, NO!"

Sitting in his villa in Spain is a bloke who had been taking daily the car park fees amounting to an estimated £400 per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years...
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My Jamaican missus trying to describe Amy Winehouse the other day: "What's the name of that coke head woman who went to St Lucia?"

The real story is also quite fun;

Bristol Evening Post publishes the story.

Somewhere along the line, the story gets mentioned on national Radio (certainly Radio 2, and perhaps on the News Quiz; also mentioned, IIRC, on TV, namely Have I Got News For You).

Someone complains about fraud to local council, who then get police involved. PC turns up to car park, finds that attendants are all present and correct, and that zoo has more than one car park.

Transpires that although story gained publicity this year, the Bristol Evening Post actually  first published it on 1 April 2007 in a story about April Fools pranks, urban myths and other assorted legends...

How to get to Heaven in Scotland

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile.

'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'No!'.    I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out  'YUV GOTTAE BE FUCKN' DEAD..........'

Giancarlo wrote:

You got sickipedia bookmarked Kaka22?

Hell yes!

It's on my daily visit list right up there with BBC lol.

Wtf?   A sleepwalking dog!


Link

Bird crap sensor...



Link

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.  When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it'.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys.  She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!'
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My Jamaican missus trying to describe Amy Winehouse the other day: "What's the name of that coke head woman who went to St Lucia?"

SHAMELESSLY STOLEN FROM ANOTHER WEBSITE:

Footballers life on facebook

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Rio Ferdinand: going to hit the Amsterdam cafes before the game, who's in?
Gareth Barry likes this
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Bobby Zamora rejected Phil Brown's friend request
Fraizer Campbell rejected Phil Brown's friend request
Marc-Antoine Fortune rejected Phil Brown's friend request
Michael Owen rejected Phil Brown's friend request
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Arsene Wenger is not worried about his lack of transfers this summer as he has internal solutions 1 hour ago

Alexander Song Billong likes this
Visakri Diaby likes this
Denilson likes this
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Joleon Lescott has to go to work tomorrow : ( 13 minutes ago

Craig Bellamy has joined the group Money is ruining football

- Benjani likes this
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Alberto Aquilani: Oh no! I've just had my new house robbed!!!
Steven Gerrard, Jerzy Dudek, John-Arne Riise, Lucas Leiva, Dirk Kuyt, Peter Crouch, Jose Reina and Daniel Agger like this
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Sat'day random drinks n' antics LOLZ

Ledley King has been tagged
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Ashley C can't find his fone, can some1 give it a buzz for us?

Jermaine Jenas likes this
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Roque Santa Cruz is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Craig Bellamy is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Carlos Tevez is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Emmanuel Adebayor is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Robinho is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Benjani is looking forward to starting on Saturday
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Steven Gerrard hopes his 'groin' injury clears in time for Sunday z
Yesterday at 20:03 · Comment · Like

Ben Foster Ditto z
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Joleon Lescott became a fan of money.

Gareth Barry likes this
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Marcus Bent is hoping to start at Old Trafford - 1 hour ago
Sir Alex Ferguson Likes This.
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Andy Goram became friends with Andy Goram
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Jamie Redknapp is literally on facebook
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Frank Lampard is LOLing at Stevie G - 3 hours ago 3 comments

-Steven Gerrard ****** off Lamps

-Rio Ferdinand oi oi epic banter lads

-Steven Gerrard did he dedicate the banter to his Mum
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Mike Ashley My evil plan is almost complete.
Niall Quinn & Peter Reid like this.
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Glen Johnson is looking at new toilet seats in B&Q
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Tomas Rosisky is fit and loving life! can't wait for the new season 1 week ago

Tomas Rosisky is depressed
3 days ago
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Samir Nasri is watching Top Gear on Dave. Cheers Abou
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David Moyes is skint

Mark Hughes likes this
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Didier Drogba poked Jens Lehmann 3 years ago

Jens Lehmann went down holding his face

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Rio Ferdinand feels like a prick after his mistake tonight 10 mins ago
Dirk Kuyt likes this
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mark hughes sent jolean lescott invitation to join the group 'Mancity'

invite was rejected

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Steven Gerrard has created a group, "Court, it's f**king easy!"

Eric Cantona does not like this
Joey Barton does not like this

 at the Andy Goram one.

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby
"Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"


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My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken jaw!

It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio .

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A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems "Can you describe the symptoms to me"
"Yes.....Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!!"

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For sale: Set of second-hand Dachshund stabilizers, a child's Paul Simon costume, a set of windmill Top Trumps, £45 in used fivers, a 'Diana Convoy' Scalextric set and a set of nested bunk beds that sleeps eighteen progressively smaller people.

A tourist in a Cairo bazaar was offered a large skull by a street-trader. “dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra, by friend,” said the trader, “only one hundred pounds.”
“No thank you,” said the tourist. “It’s far too expensive.”
“How ‘bout dis one, my friend?” said the street trader, producing a small skull.
“Whose skull is that?”
“dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra when she was little girl!”

Questions that remain unanswered:-

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?
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For sale: Set of second-hand Dachshund stabilizers, a child's Paul Simon costume, a set of windmill Top Trumps, £45 in used fivers, a 'Diana Convoy' Scalextric set and a set of nested bunk beds that sleeps eighteen progressively smaller people.