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blackandblue |
Regular Poster
Posts: 406
Inter, West Ham
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 08-02-09 09:52
I think they got the hint... _________________ My Jamaican missus trying to describe Amy Winehouse the other day: "What's the name of that coke head woman who went to St Lucia?"
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Ferri |
Regular Poster
Posts: 402
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11-02-09 06:52
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said.
"Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She replied. "You have the biggest dick of all your friends."
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Husband: Darling, what would you say if I told you we won the lotto
Wife: I'd take half and leave you
Husband: Exactly what I thought, I won $10 in Div 4, so here's your fiver now f**k off
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blackandblue |
Regular Poster
Posts: 406
Inter, West Ham
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17-02-09 14:46
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before... but I have to lay you or Jack off.'
'Could you jack off?' she said. 'I feel like shit.' _________________ My Jamaican missus trying to describe Amy Winehouse the other day: "What's the name of that coke head woman who went to St Lucia?"
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blackandblue |
Regular Poster
Posts: 406
Inter, West Ham
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13-03-09 17:20
A very loud, greasy, tattoed, welfare dependant, chav, minger walked into an ASDA with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The ASDA greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning madam, and welcome to ASDA. Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'F*ck no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's nine and the other one's seven. Why the f*ck would you think they were twins? Are you blind, thick or just stupid?'
'i'm neither blind or stupid, madam', replied the greeter, 'I just couldn't believe you've been shagged twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA'. _________________ My Jamaican missus trying to describe Amy Winehouse the other day: "What's the name of that coke head woman who went to St Lucia?"
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Lupo Pazzesco |
Regular Poster
Posts: 401
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14-03-09 19:36
After a bad week that made me laugh. 
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kaka22 |
Regular Poster
Posts: 71
Milan, 1860 Munich, Inverurie Locos
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20-03-09 15:40
A TEST TO SEE HOW YOUR MIND WORKS.
thepenisinhermouth
Anyone read it as
the pen is in her mouth?
Nah, me neither!
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Ferri |
Regular Poster
Posts: 402
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03-04-09 07:11
Got this sent through today
what some say about the French:
'France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.'
Mark Twain
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'I would rather have a German division in front of me, than a French one behind me.'
General George S. Patton
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'Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.'
Norman Schwarzkopf
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'We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.'
Marge Simpson
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'As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure.'
Jacques Chirac, President of France
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'The only time France wants us to go to war, is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.'
Regis Philbin
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'You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it.'
John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona
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'The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag.'
David Letterman
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'Only thing worse than a Frenchman, is a Frenchman who lives in Canada.'
Ted Nugent
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'War without France would be like. World War II.'
Unknown
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'The favourite bumper sticker in Washington D. C. right now is one that says; 'First Iraq then France.''
Tom Brokaw
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'What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs ,than the Nazis?'
Dennis Miller
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'It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.'
Alan Kent
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'They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.'
Argus Hamilton
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'Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day --the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.''
Rep. Roy Blunt, MO
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'The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq '
Dennis Miller
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Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?
A. Table for 100,000, monsieur?
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'Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known, it's never been tried.'
Rep. R. Blount, MO
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'Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining.'
John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv
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The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.
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French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney
(AP), Paris , March 5, 2003
The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.
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Ferri |
Regular Poster
Posts: 402
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23-04-09 06:52
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
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Ferri |
Regular Poster
Posts: 402
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23-04-09 06:53
A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to
a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the
bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
HAND JOB: $50..00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole'
biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive
female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled
farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he
whispers, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I
sure am."
[
The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly,
"Well,
wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger."
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badman |
Regular Poster
Posts: 108
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24-04-09 11:16
A woman went to a WalMart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,
'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager
In front of a growing crowd of customers.
The manager comes to the woman and asks,'Ma'am what's wrong?'
She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,
'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'
Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads,
'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'
In a huff, the woman says,
'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE
MY NIPPLES PINCHED
WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!'
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!! _________________ Baggio Per Sempre!
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Curva Fiesole |
Administrator
Posts: 389
Fiorentina, Manchester United, Cheltenham Town, Gloucester RFC
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28-04-09 21:03
Apparently you can only contract swine flu if you have been in close contact with an infected pig.
Jack Tweed must be shitting himself.
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kaka22 |
Regular Poster
Posts: 71
Milan, 1860 Munich, Inverurie Locos
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06-05-09 09:18
FOR SALE: 57,000 Flags.
All as good as new!
Only used for seven minutes each!
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Curva Fiesole |
Administrator
Posts: 389
Fiorentina, Manchester United, Cheltenham Town, Gloucester RFC
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07-05-09 15:24
I think my Sat Nav is broke, I typed in Chelsea and it said I was 1 minute from Rome.
What have Chelsea got in common with Heather Mills? Neither of them could hold on to their 2nd leg.
Why are Chelsea complaining that they didn't get the penalties?! They had 6 in the final last year and still lost.
I think Chelsea were robbed last night. Now they know how Marks and Spencers felt when John Terry’s mum popped in....
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Myles |
Administrator
Posts: 1416
Juventus
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14-05-09 21:23
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATHS
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATHS (Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f#*cking difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a bl*wjob.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go..'
Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
you had bigger t*its, you'd be a TEN!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My Father bought my Mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f#*cking beautiful!''
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f#*cking business.
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Bobo32 |
Regular Poster
Posts: 835
Inter
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14-05-09 21:49
HAha Myles Brilliant! _________________ http://bringtheparty.blogspot.com/
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Lupo Pazzesco |
Regular Poster
Posts: 401
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15-05-09 16:51
Take a bow Myles.
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Lupo Pazzesco |
Regular Poster
Posts: 401
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25-05-09 10:41
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zeds |
Regular Poster
Posts: 771
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25-05-09 10:50
I bought my girlfrend a cutlery set for her birthday. When opening the set she complained that there were no spoons or knives inside.
I said 'hey it's the fork that counts!'
Taxi!
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Bobo32 |
Regular Poster
Posts: 835
Inter
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25-05-09 11:09
| zeds wrote: | I bought my girlfrend a cutlery set for her birthday. When opening the set she complained that there were no spoons or knives inside.
I said 'hey it's the fork that counts!'
Taxi! |
I value my time at £50/hr. It took me 2 minutes to read your joke and write this claim for damages. So you owe me £1.67. I accept cheque, standing order or paypal payments. kk thx
_________________
http://bringtheparty.blogspot.com/
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zeds |
Regular Poster
Posts: 771
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25-05-09 12:10
| Bobo32 wrote: | | zeds wrote: | I bought my girlfrend a cutlery set for her birthday. When opening the set she complained that there were no spoons or knives inside.
I said 'hey it's the fork that counts!'
Taxi! |
I value my time at £50/hr. It took me 2 minutes to read your joke and write this claim for damages. So you owe me £1.67. I accept cheque, standing order or paypal payments. kk thx |
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Administrators: Curva Fiesole, Dave, Mezz, Myles Moderators: Jay, Jimmilson, Verno
Football Italia Forum for english speaking
supporters of Italian football
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