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blackandblue

Gwan bwoy, mek mi laff!

One of the only threads that kept me going on 'the other side' needs rejuvenating. Have this for a starter:

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk....

The receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not ? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice "What is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
Mezz

Quality punage, fella!

Have you heard from KMcC recently? Thought he would have been all over this new Foro by now...
blackandblue

Heaven knows what he's doing. From talking to Inter Bhoy in Milan last weekend I gather he is still there. As far as I know he sits somewhere on the Curva Nord. I'll drop him a line and see what he's up to.
verno

What is yellow and dangerous ?

Shark infested custard.

Boom boom
blackandblue

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?".

The owner replied: "It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story."

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing
and screeching in a very menacing way. He increased his speed and ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster.

By now very concerned, he ran to down the pier and threw the bronze rat far out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: "Ah, you've come back for the story then?"

"No," said the tourist. "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim fundamentalist cleric, a student, a Celtic supporter, and anything French!"
Myles

...and a Zebina.
blackandblue

Apology to all Celtic supporters. Substitute any team you have a dislike for.
Guest

B&B, no need to apologise, the original version is fine as it is. By the way, if anyone can find such a statue I'd be willing to pay a large amount of money if that's what happens.
Guest

Knowing American History
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" said the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?'"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, the teacher said, "If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally, someone threw an eraser at Pedro and another student shouted, "Duck"!

The teacher, just waking up and still a bit out of it, asked "Who said that?

Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006!"
Guest

blackandblue wrote:
Apology to all Celtic supporters. Substitute any team you have a dislike for.

And no apologies to muslims? I find that very disrespectful.
blackandblue

sms wrote:
blackandblue wrote:
Apology to all Celtic supporters. Substitute any team you have a dislike for.

And no apologies to muslims? I find that very disrespectful.


Was not aimed at Muslims, was aimed at Muslim FUNDAMENTALISTS. I must add that I have no time for fundamentalists of any hue. I think the clue to them all is what comes after 'funda'...

And if you are a Muslim fundamentalist cleric, SMS, I don't give a damn.
Guest

You don't know a thing about Islam. Nor what is fundamentalism. So don't come in here telling ppl who/what is, or isn't fundamentalist. Get your head out of that sentimentally-coined garbage of an expression.
blackandblue

Frankly, I don't care. I reiterate I don't like fundamentalism of any kind. If you want to argue the toss start a different thread. This is for jokes. Don't like it, tough. One man's meat, and all that. What are you, Wahabi?

You are cracking me up, though .
Guest

Personally, I'm offended by the very fact his name is blackandblue. I have been a victim of domestic violence (a battered housewife, I may have you know), and bnb just brings tears to my eyes.
Guest

I find overly sensitive muslims offensive. In fact, overly sensitive anyones.
Dave

Whoa, chaps!

No fatwas or declarations of crusades, please.... This isn't the C4 news forum after all.

The etymology of fundamentalism/fundamentalist in religious terms is an interesting one; having worked with many Muslim students and discussed this at some length, I can understand why sms is offended, but I can equally understand why taking offence may appear to be an over-reaction. But either way, it'll only end in the sort of abuse normally reserved for the C4FI foro mods, so let's not go there. Please?

(I know my use of 'fatwa' is imprecise before anyone points this out).
zeds

I was reading this and couldn't understand why sms got offended. But then I thought about it and feel he has a point.
If we replace muslim fundamentalists with say chinese criminals or black/white or asian criminals in this very joke. Could a black white or asian person be offended by it? Yes. But the counter argument is that 'hey we all hate white criminals or black criminals or asian criminals'. However, that would be missing the point, which is that these words being compounded and reinforced in a joke may be deemed offensive to people of such groups, since black people can quite validly claim 'why are black criminals being highlighted?' as with other groups. So the telling of such joke in isolating one such group in such terms implies bias or prejudice which may have racist undertones.
Guest

blackandblue wrote:
Frankly, I don't care. I reiterate I don't like fundamentalism of any kind. If you want to argue the toss start a different thread. This is for jokes. Don't like it, tough. One man's meat, and all that. What are you, Wahabi?

You are cracking me up, though .

Doesn't matter what I am; wahabi, sunni etc. Fact is, like Dave & Zeds said, expressions like that are considered deregatory, and in bad taste by many. You may not understand why. And may not cared. That's unfortunate. At least they do. May be I overreacted, so let's leave at that. It's a jokes thread.
blackandblue

Points taken from all sides. The subject ends here.

Damn, aren't we civilised on this forum !
Guest

Now on the other forum there would just have been a ban with no explanation. This is the best way to solve issues IMO.
Guest

A man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner. He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams 'PIG!'
Astonished, the man turns and yells back, 'BITCH!' as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig.
Guest

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
"Tiny" replies the man.
"Why's that?" asks the bartender.
"Because he's my newt!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two fisherman are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. "What's this?" asked the first fisherman, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"
"No," explained the second fisherman, "It's just a little wave."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
A: Hot cross bunnies.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the stupid tap dancer?
He fell in the sink!
Guest

A lad walks in to his parents bedroom to find his dad giving his mum one. The dad laughs throws a pillow at the lad and tells him to get out.

Hours later the dad hears a commotion coming from the lads bedroom. He enters the bedroom to find the lad giving his nan one.

The dad looks horrified.

'Not so funny when its your mum is it?' says the lad.
Guest

Not sure if this came up on the other forum, but "Scherzi a Parte" is basically a You've Been Framed style show involuntarily starring Italian celebrities, including many of Serie A's biggest names, eg. Gattuso (getting his car torn up by a rottweiler), Materazzi (have a coma patient wake up on him and ask about the scudetto), Vieri (being tricked to look through a peephole)...

Worth checking out if you've got the time, and not too hard to follow without knowing the language.

Buffon:
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=aUk8tRPVPa0

Totti:
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=mx1wk9LlBoA

Gattuso:
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=nU5U69BLmr0

Materazzi:
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=6iTOVDrt3sk

Vieri:
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=CyIHLBuxbhY

Coco:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gX93_kIsl_c

Ravanelli:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQwxuuwj2Mg

Maradona:
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Vla16_hDF0E

Cannavaro:
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=ayhgwN_MxyI

If you search for "Scherzi a Parte" on there loads more come up. Coco's has probably been the highlight of the ones I've watched.
blackandblue

Council tax re-evaluers want to charge us more if we live in a nice area. That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.

We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs. Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.

Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for allegedly ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs.

The family's odd antics are always in the papers. They are out of control. ..........

Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle?
Guest

Jose Mourinho says he wishes to return to Portugal and never be seen again. The McCanns have offered their services.
Guest

il ferret wrote:
Jose Mourinho says he wishes to return to Portugal and never be seen again. The McCanns have offered their services.


Hahahahaha
Dave

I assume you'll have heard already about the new French car that has so much interior space in the back you can lose the kids in it? The Renault McCann?

(coat, hat, taxi!)
Guest

Has anyone been watching the bird's world cup? It's bloody hilarious!
Guest

Q - what's the difference between a chicken?

A - one of its legs is both the same
Dave

In the same vein -

Q: How many surrealists can you fit in a wardrobe?

A: The motorbike

Guest

Q - what should you get a ghost for Christmas?

A - anything but mints. Ghosts hate mints, chocolate or socks are a safe bet
Guest

A man walks into a bar with a lion. A lady at the bar screams and runs into the toilet, along with several other customers. Trembling, the bartender asks the man what he is doing with a lion in the bar but the man just orders a beer and sits down. The lion growls but stays clam. The man is finishing his beer when the police arrive. The man explains he thought it would be funny to bring the lion into the bar. He is taken away. So is the lion.
Curva Fiesole

Osama Bin Laden has just sent a new TV message to prove he is still alive. He said "The Welsh rugby team were awful this week"

British intelligence have dismissed it saying "it could have been recorded anytime during the last 22 years "
zeds

The Blonde Painter



This blonde, Christina decides one day that she
is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and
how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she
decides to show her boyfriend Steve that blondes
really are smart.

While Steve is off at work, she decides that she
is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after Steve leaves for work,
she gets down to the task at hand.



Her boyfriend arrives home at 5:30 and smells the
distinctive smell of paint.



He walks into the living room and finds his
girlfriend lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and
a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK.

She replies yes. He asks what she is doing She
replies that she wanted to prove to him that not
all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it
by painting the house. He then asks her why she
has a ski jacket over her fur coat. Christina
replies that she was reading the directions on
the paint can and they said....


FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS. ……..
nino

Here's a funny one, courtesy of Lucarelli:

"I’m 32 and the Rossoneri like to go for younger players..."

Curva Fiesole

A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
zeds

When John found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died,
he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman
he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man" he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two,
my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much smarter than men.........
zeds

God loves Blondes

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust
and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to
ask God for help.

She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and
if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let
me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my
business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost
my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.

I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to
You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life
back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The
blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself.....

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this...................GO and BUY a
ticket."
blackandblue

A woman was in Truro on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in Du Barry and a beautiful dress on sale in Monsoon. She got to Country Casuals to find that it was closing down and everything had just been reduced to a fiver, when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading off to the hospital. She ended up shopping for the rest of the morning . Finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice, complimentary from the last shop, she was shopped out, full of sugar and feeling pretty good. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty now , she dashed to the hospital , saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted: ''You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you? Well I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out enjoying yourself for the past four hours in town, your husband has been languishing in the ICU - it's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be probably be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care ........... and you'll now be his carer!''

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg .... he's dead. What did you buy?''
blackandblue

A man was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the man, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the man. 'How about nuclear power?'

'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The man thought about it and said, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the girl replied, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?
blackandblue

An 85-year-old man was asked by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked!

"You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep.

None of us could get the jar open".
blackandblue

HUSBANDS FOR SALE.

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE ! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch.You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find one. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, lovekids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, lovekids, are drop- deadgood looking and help with the housework."Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, lovekids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor.There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
blackandblue

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last 7 days the famous Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up & the Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song,

Today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived & 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal...
DP

This has probably done the rounds, but i found it funny:


Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he couldarrange a divorce for him.
>
> The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the
> circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
>
> Have you any grounds?
> Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
>
> No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
> It made of concrete.
> I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
> No, we have a carport, and not need one.
>
> I mean, what are your relations like?
> All my relations still in Poland.
>
> Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
> We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
>
> Does your wife beat you up?
> No, I always up before her.
>
> Is your wife a nagger?
> No, she white.
>
> Why do you want this divorce?
> She is going to kill me.
>
> What makes you think that?
> I got proof.
>
> What kind of proof?
> She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle at drugstore and put
> on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says: "Polish Remover"
>
blackandblue

THIS OUGHT TO DO IT!!

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new  500-man elite fighting unit called the  United  States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).

These  Georgia boys will be dropped off into Iraq and  have been given only the following facts about terrorists:  

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.  
3. They taste just like  chicken.  
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.  
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.


The Pentagon expects the  problem in Iraq to be over by  Friday.
blackandblue

British Airways are flying in their Chinese Aircraft Accident Investigator to the site of the Heathrow incident.

Mr Wat Wen Fu King Wong arrives tomorrow.
blackandblue

Passengers on a flight were being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told everyone that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."
Curva Fiesole

LIVERPOOL fans have launched a bid buy their beloved football club,  backed by millions of pounds from the Department of Social Security.

The supporters have put together a complex financial structure made up  of 25% genuine welfare payments alongside a mixture of fraudulent  incapacity and unemployment claims.

Supporters spokesman Wayne Hayes said: "Between us we reckon we can raise about £500 million, especially as it's been such a cold winter. The number of folk who've come down with a sudden case of rheumatoid arthritis is shocking.

"The DSS provides us with a secure source of funds and if anyone starts asking questions we've got 45,000 sick notes sitting in a warehouse in Bootle."

"This is a major step forward for the club and the city. We did
originally plan to steal it but we couldn't find anywhere to keep the main stand  as most of the garages round here are full of mountain bikes."

He added: "As far as you're concerned, I haven't worked in 12 years, alright?"

Under the plan the club would be run by an executive committee, elected by the supporters and given the right to swipe a range of quality goods  from the office, the boardroom and the club shop.

The first team squad will also have to sign new contracts requiring
them to go to supporters' pubs every Saturday night and be told why they will  never be as good as Emlyn Hughes and Jimmy Case.
Curva Fiesole

Driving to  work  this morning on the  A40, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!
It scared me (and this coming from a bloke....) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.

Bloody Women Drivers!!!!!!!
blackandblue

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend this morning who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
 
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'. 'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.
 
'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.

'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle  tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, grey-haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'

So I told her to f**k off.
blackandblue

One morning, three Scousers and three Mancunians were in a ticket counter line at a train station. The three Mancunians each bought a ticket and watched as the three Scousers bought just one ticket.

'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asked one of the Mancunians.

Watch and learn,' answered one of the Scousers.

All six boarded the train where the three Mancunians sat down, but the three Scousers crammed into a toilet together and closed the door. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, 'Ticket, please.' The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

The Mancunians saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the three Scousers didn't buy even one ticket.

How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asked a perplexed Mancunian.

'Watch and learn,' answered the three Scouse boys in unison.

When they boarded the train, the three Mancunians crammed themselves into a toilet and the three Scousers crammed into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Scousers left their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Mancunians were hiding.

The Scouser knocked on the door and said, 'Ticket, please.'
blackandblue

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink.  Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.  With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.  

Swoooosh!  Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!'
 
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip!  Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.  

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out.  The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.  

As the father moans in grief, the bartender sighs and says,





'He should've quit while he was a head!'
blackandblue

Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict..

She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Miss Walter's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Miss Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Miss Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation, said, 'Land Mines.'
blackandblue

12 of the finest double-entendres that have been aired on British TV & Radio

1. Pat Glenn, weight lifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said?'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they werelaughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
'StephenHendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
blackandblue

My wife and I went to the Livestock Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,'
'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR.'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'That's more than twice a week!  You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'.

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'


My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery .
Guest

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic
School .. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was
sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her
friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in
the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny
came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once
again said,'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to
Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick
that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.
blackandblue

A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Bruce sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

'Kin ya swaller?' asked Kenzie. The woman signalled 'No!' desperately shaking her head.

'Kin ya breathe?' asked Bruce. The woman shook her head 'No!!!'
With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down her bum. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer. Bruce said in admiration, 'Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen anybody do it!'
VB

If Airlines sold paint…


Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different
prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.


Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?


Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks.
But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that
week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be ******* kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only
a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way,
the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12
paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a
day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your
paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your
paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have
enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use
it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you
already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall
and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the
bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already
paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used,
every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I
don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200
paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a litre"
signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-
gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels,
some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you
started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one
direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on
your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with Ryan Air.
VB

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and
couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want to go ahead with it
just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her
go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and
threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned
and went straight to the front door.

I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
VB

I’m not sure if this one was ever posted on ‘the other side’.  It’s quite old and there are quite a few variations of it…


At Sydney University, there were four students taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident with the finals approaching that the weekend before, they decided to go down to Canberra and party with some friends there.

They had a great time. However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Sydney until early Monday morning - the morning of their final exam! Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the exam and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to Canberra to do some research in the ANU (Australian National University) archives for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tyre on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they only just arrived now!

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up their final exam the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied hard that night - all night - and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.

He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, (which was out of 100 points) and told them to begin.

Question 1 was worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. Cool, they all thought in their separate rooms, "this is going to be easy."

Each finished the problem and then turned the page…

Question 2 (for 95 points): Which tyre?
Curva Fiesole

John Arne Riise has just been arrested on the M62. Apparently he was heading in the wrong direction.

I'll get my coat!
Guest

hahahah I love it, so simple hahah
blackandblue

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the British equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.

This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure...



Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'Poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over, which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions the broken collarbone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until thefingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.

This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly.

The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three Vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.
blackandblue

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
 
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc ?'

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied , 'My point exactly.'
blackandblue

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion. I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes, 'I sighed. 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife....'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
blackandblue

Superman was bored. So he gave Batman a call. Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him. A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Catwoman. As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to see if she was free.

As he landed on her balcony, he looked through the window and saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs open. Superman thought to himself: 'I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was happening'.

So Superman did his Super Thing in a split second and flew off happily. Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said: 'Did you hear something?'

'No,' said the Invisible Man, 'but my arse hurts like hell!'
blackandblue

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes?  We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'.

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greenkeeper.  Let's have a word with him. Hello, George!’ said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the greenkeeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea.  I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'

The Aussie said, 'Why can't they f##king play at night?
Guest

I'll be doing my best to remember the Aussie/golf one!
Guest

Possibly the greatest story in the history of football
Dave

During the state banquet on the Queen's last visit to the US, George Bush finds himself sitting next to the Duke of Edinburgh. He engages the Duke in small talk between courses.

Dubya says, "Y'know, your Dukeness, I've been thinking about the constittytutional position of the United States, and I think that since we're the most important nation in the world, we should be something more than just a Republic - hell, even Zimbabwelandistan with that President Bob Mushareff is a Republic. I think that America should be a kingdom."

Prince Philip toys with a dessert fork before replying "But Mr President, to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and, because of the US Consitution you're not a King."

Dubya thinks for a while says: "How about a Principality then?"

The Duke of Edinburgh shakes his head. "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Bush".

Bush thinks some more. "How about an Empire then?"

The Duke is becoming impatient now." Some would say you are already an Empire, Mr. Bush, but to be an Empire one has to have an Emperor in charge. And you don't. You do, though, meet all the necessary criteria for being a country."
kaka22

I woke up this morning to a knock on the door.

There were these two women going on and on about brown bread and how good it is for you.

They were there for half an hour, I couldn't get rid of them.

Bloody Hovis witnesses.
Mezz

You are cordially invited to a barbeque at Osbaston House, Shropshire this coming weekend.

There will be plenty of alcohol available, but sadly, no Fosters...
Guest

I just forwarded that round the office, and the old dear on reception just replied "That's really sweet of you, unfortunately I can't make it but I hope you have a great time"!!!
Mezz

Nice!  
blackandblue

Australian letter of the year

This is an actual letter sent to the then DFAT Minster, The Hon Alexander Downer and the then Immigration Minister, The Hon Minister Amanda Vanstone. The Government tried in desperation to censure the author, but got nowhere because every legal person who read it nearly wet themselves laughing!

Please excuse the language contained within, but I suspect the author was somewhat upset? I'll let you decide!


Another happy customer of the Federal government.

A fabulous characteristic of Australians is that we are far more direct and outspoken than others when dealing with the sort of elected w@nker who wouldn't otherwise get the full drift of what they were trying to communicate.

Below is one such wonderful communication...

Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a Television Set and Golf Clubs from them back in 1997, and yet, the  Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years. It is on my driver's  licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed  off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966.

Also..would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Audrey, my Father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely f*cking astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!...

SH!T!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of all this bullsh!t! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f*cking address!! What the hell is going on with your mob?  Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal ar5eholes workin' there!

And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to   New Zealand  and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl). And would someone please tell me, why would you give a sh!t whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?  If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city, and get another f*cking copy of my birth certificate, and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?? Nooooo.. that'd be too f*cking easy and makes far too much sense.  You would much prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with our f*cking heads cut off, and then having to find some high society w@nker to confirm that it's really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo..the one where we're not allowed to smile?! ...you f*cking morons

Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.

P.S Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in high-society to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since before 1850!
In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the   Eureka Stockade!!)
I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances.
I'm also a personal friend of the president of the RSL.. and Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.

However, your rules require that I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am; You know.. someone like my doctor; WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN F*CKING   PAKISTAN!!!......a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers, and are suspended from the Commonwealth for not having the 'right sort of government.'  

You are all F*cking idiots
Guest

classic, love it when people call it exactly how it is. Just went through this myself
Guest

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite ravioli wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favourite ravioli.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture.
His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the ravioli was already in his mouth.

With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.
"Va fanculo"!' she said.
"Questi sono per il funerale".'
blackandblue

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet,  cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each others clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.  

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:




'Help yourself to any prize....







...from the middle shelf'.
blackandblue

From a female friend:


My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his f*cking forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
blackandblue

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new Pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?



A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time !
I'm putting my f*****g shoes on!"
kaka22

For those with partners

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know
the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning,
or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum
and having the balls to say: 'You're next, fatty.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking,
there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in
death
blackandblue

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,'

'labour' and 'neighbour.'  Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'

without skipping half the letters,  and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'  Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.  The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of ’-ize.'

-------------------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.  Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.  If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.  Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.   Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.  Get used to it.

-------------------

8. You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.  Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  Australian beer is also acceptable, as Australia is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.  They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.  American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.  Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---------------------

11. You will cease playing American football.  There are only three kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, Australian Rules and rugby (dominated by the Australians and New Zealanders).  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

---------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.  You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (again World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

13. You must tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream)  when in season.

------------------

God Save the Queen!

PS:  Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
blackandblue

A couple drove their car to Asda Supermarket, only to have their car break down in the car park.

The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.

Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
Guest

Dude that was one of the worst jokes ive ever heard. What happened? You used to be so funny..
blackandblue

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously he goes to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him. 'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil, ' you're on my list, but I have no room for you.  As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.   I'll let one of them go, but you have their  place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'
   
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The Devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell. 'No!' said George. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'
 
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time. 'No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented George.

The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said  'Yeah, I can handle this.'





The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to go!'
blackandblue

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary...

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! M y favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage..

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.......
Guest

Lol! Particularly the first one. Good craick. The good times have been restored..
blackandblue

Sorry about the AA one. It was allegedly a true story... I will endevour to instigate better quality controls in the future.
blackandblue

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
 
She went back to find out what was going on.
 
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
 
The teacher told him to go down to the headmaster's office.
 
He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.  He did and returned to his class.
 
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
 
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'privates' hanging out.
 
'I thought you were told to call your mum!' she said.
 
'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.'
blackandblue

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO (for those that don't know US soft drinks, it's a play on Mountain Dew).
blackandblue

Subject:  Character test.

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:

You are in England , York to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar... You suddenly realize who it is... It's Gordon Brown! You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options:

You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful men!


THE QUESTION:


Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...



















Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity
of black and white?
Guest

Q.   What is the difference between pink and purple ??



A.   The tightness of your grip !!
kaka22

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary,
her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her f**king appendix out!"
Guest

We're integrating image macros into our Quotes of the Week page and would love some feedback from you. Don't hold back, we want an honest opinion on this and any other areas of the site or magazine you feel could do with improvement. The magazine just had an overhaul for the latest edition, so check that out too.

Thank you.
blackandblue

www.calcioitalia.co.uk wrote:
We're integrating image macros into our Quotes of the Week page and would love some feedback from you. Don't hold back, we want an honest opinion on this and any other areas of the site or magazine you feel could do with improvement. The magazine just had an overhaul for the latest edition, so check that out too.

Thank you.


Where's the punch line ?
Guest

blackandblue wrote:
www.calcioitalia.co.uk wrote:
We're integrating image macros into our Quotes of the Week page and would love some feedback from you. Don't hold back, we want an honest opinion on this and any other areas of the site or magazine you feel could do with improvement. The magazine just had an overhaul for the latest edition, so check that out too.

Thank you.


Where's the punch line ?


That's so old-fashioned.  
Guest

When I saw calcioitalia was the last poster I thought it was gonna be: "Blond long-haired Frenchman gets into a fight without running away,..."

Then I saw the Mexes story.
blackandblue

www.calcioitalia.co.uk wrote:
blackandblue wrote:
www.calcioitalia.co.uk wrote:
We're integrating image macros into our Quotes of the Week page and would love some feedback from you. Don't hold back, we want an honest opinion on this and any other areas of the site or magazine you feel could do with improvement. The magazine just had an overhaul for the latest edition, so check that out too.

Thank you.


Where's the punch line ?


That's so old-fashioned.  


No, seriously, where's the punch line? If you want to start a topic start your own, don't piggy back on someone else's. That's so lazy .
Dave

More to the point, the request is going to get lost in this thread after a short while.

I'd have thought that making this into an announcement would've been a better bet.  
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